My love,

There are so many things I want to tell you, I just don't know where to begin. But I guess 'at the beginning' makes a lot of sense. 

So that takes me back to the beautiful island of Ibiza, where we met. I remember the exact moment that I first saw you at the Yoga Retreat where you worked. We shook hands and I introduced myself. My always spot on intuition told me that you were special. I could tell by your smile, your cheerful face, and your happy hair. Did anybody ever tell you that you have happy hair? Really, you do! I guess I'd be happy too, if I got to spend every second of every day with you.

I didn't know that I'd end up wanting to spend every second of every day with you too, when we met that day. But I certainly do now. 

When we got to talking, it quickly became obvious to the both of us that eventhough we had never met before, our lives have been so similar, it's almost like we were seperated at birth. We were both born in 1972, we grew up listening to the same music, still loving the same songs and TV shows. We are both adventurous spirits; growing up in the Netherlands, but both travelled the world and at some point in our lives we both lived in the States. As teenagers, we even both broke our front teeth! There are a million more similarities like saying/writing the same things at the same time when we're chatting with eachother... Or finishing eachother sentenses... And how about that time when we had both made a "Places to Go & Fun Things to Do Together list," at the exact same time without ever even mentioning such a thing! We truly are soulmates. No question about it!

I remember our first "date," which probably wasn't really a date, but surely ended up being one. I fell in love with you that evening. Somewhere between acting like a nervous schoolgirl when you picked me up at the trainstation in The Hague at 07:00pm and 07:00am the next morning when we were still talking... That night was much like the first time we talked when we were still on Ibiza... We just 'clicked' instantly! It was like we had 39 years of catching up to do in one night! And we are so alike, it's spooky! Talking to you sometimes is like hearing myself answering my own questions... And today, a little over 2 months after talking to you the very first time, a bunch of airplane trips back and forth and a few very high phonebills later, things have not changed one bit! I never get tired of talking to you... And we still don't run out of things to say to eachother... And I hope we never will. 

There are so many things I love about you. I love the way you walk, how you carry yourself... You have a kind of 'toughness' about you which is sooo cool! I love your sense of pride; you know exactly who you are and what you stand for. I absolutely love the way you dress, the way you smell, the way you smile, and the way you wear your (happy) hair. I love your sensitivity and spirituality; you know what you were put on this world for and you love every bit of carrying out that mission. I love how you're never cranky when you wake up, and I love being there next to you that very moment you open your eyes and welcome a new day of possibilities. I love how you love people (and mostly me), and you want to help them reach their true potential. I love your quiet ambition; you just know you will reach your goals and I am just as confident your talent and dedication will help you get there. I love your sense of humor (probably because it's just like mine)... You crack me up! I love how you make up new names for all the tram stations we pass. And I love how we both know that blinking our eyes will not get us home, but we still keep trying anyway. I am fascinated by your knowlegde of the human body, health and nutrition. There's so much you have already taught me which helped me live a better life and am forever grateful for that! I love how things are never complicated with you; how easy you are to talk to, and how honest and open you are. Not to mention; what a great listener you are! I love how you are perfectly balanced between soft and tough; you can be such a tough cookie sometimes, but you are sooo sweet!!! I love how your eyebrows rise up when you ask me a question, and that no answer I give is ever the wrong one, in your eyes. I love how caring you are; you get up in the morning to fix us tea, so we can stay in the bed and watch some more TV shows on the laptop. And I don't even mind all the cookie crumbs in the bed... I looove how you are just as lazy as I am. And I am so thankful you don't mind how annoyingly indecisive I can be. I am blown away with how patient and understanding you are, because I know I'm hard to get through to sometimes. And I love how I still get butterflies in my tummy everytime I see your name pop up in my email inbox. I love how pretty soon we'll be able to cross of items of our To Do & To Go lists together, I'm so excited for our future... I cannot wait for it to start when you get back from Ibiza the very last time next week. Oh yeah, did I mention; I love how you're leaving such a beautiful island to be with me. Just because you know you need to be here. Yes! I beat a fuqqin island!!! Sweetheart, there are so many more things I love about you, I could fill up a whole book... Maybe one day I will. But what I love most of all, is the way that you love me.

Nobody has ever loved me the way you do. I'm trying to find the words to express how you make me feel, but I find myself backspacing a million superlatives that just don't cut it. None of them come even close to describing the impact you have made on my life so far. Except for maybe 'magical'... You are a fairytale dream come true, and I can't wait for "happily ever after" to start when we're moving in together on Tuesday. 

"Sometimes all you wish for, is for someone to wish for you."

You told me you had asked for me... Wow. 

I spent 39 years waiting for someone who is just like me, but better. Someone that I can laugh out loud with until it hurts. And someone who I can also have serious stimulating conversations with. Someone who has all the qualities in a person that I found in you. Someone that loves me exactly the way that you do. Someone that wants to care for me the way you do, and be there for me the way you are. Someone as amazing as you. Someone that makes life MAGICAL.

And I can only hope that I make you as happy as you have already made me. You are my one true love. My soulmate. And my best friend! I had no idea where to look for you or what you would look like. But there you were, on a beautiful island in the Mediterranean, where I had come to find some innerpeace. But what I found instead was so much more than that. I found LOVE.
And it was wrapped up in a beautiful person, with happy hair.
I love you, Jolanda. 

Vicky

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Hi all,

As part of my first '30 Day Challenge', I also wanted to learn how to run.

I tried running a bunch of times before, but I always gave up after a few weeks, because it just wasn't my thing. I bought all the expensive running gear; the comfy shoes, the aerodynamic pants (that make my legs look like sausages), a rain jacket with reflective strips and even some seemless socks. I would get in gear, go outside, and still fully confident I'd tell myself not to give up; "Come on Vic, keep running, you can make it to the next lamppost." But... I just couldn't do it. I got a dry mouth and a sore throat. I didn't know how to breathe, so I (quite literally) kept running out of breath... after about half a minute.

I guess it's no secret that I am used to be a notorious couch potato, so I downloaded a new 'Couch to 5K' app for my iPhone, got my butt off the couch, and tried it one more time. If Oprah can do it, I should be able to too, damnit.

This 'GetRunning' app is a real help. You can play your own music in the background as your 'virtual coach' on the app tells you what to do. Every run starts with a 5 minute warmup which I use to walk down the stairs of my appartment building (I live on the top floor) and across the street. Then I do a few stretches until my coach tells me it's time to start running. The app is set up for 3 runs a week and starts with about 6 weeks of interval training. The plan is to be able to run 5K (30 minutes) in 9 weeks. As part of my challenge, I wanted to run every other day, so I ran a little more often than the app told me to. It even very considerately asked me if I was sure to run on the days I was supposed to be resting. 

You start with 1 minute runs and slowly build up to 1 1/2 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes...etc... I'll be honest and admit to you that when it was time for my first 3 minute run, I thought I was going to die. That's how bad I was at running! But I did it! And of course I was extremely proud of myself when I finished, but I felt really stupid realizing this was only 3 minutes and I had 30 to go! However, the encouraging coach on the app reminded me that I already ran 3 times longer than when I started. So yay!

What I like about running with a schedule like this, is that everytime I get to a new stage, my first thoughts are; "There's no way I can do this." But I keep surprising myself, because I always can. And the feeling of 'being better than you think you are' is just undescribably amazing. 

When I first started, I was really fixated on the minutes. "Oh my, I still have a minute to go. I can't do this. Yes I can! 45 seconds, come on Vic. 30 more seconds, don't quit on me now..."...etc... But now that I'm a couple of weeks into it, I am much more relaxed when I run. I look around me, see the beauties of mother nature (slugs, worms, rabbits and butterflies), smile at my fellow runners (I'm still working up the nerve to 'high five' them), and just enjoy my time outside. It's a great way to clear the mind.

I am now in week 7 and I'm proud to say I can already run 25 minutes without stopping. Yes, that is 25 times longer than when I started! As you can imagine, this is already a victory for me. Every time I come home from a run, even when I'm soaked from the rain, I feel like a million bucks! I'm so proud of myself and I'm already excited to see how long I can keep it going on my next run.  

Unlike Oprah, I don't really have any aspirations to run a marathon, but who knows... After getting through those first 3 minutes without stopping, I kinda sorta feel I can do just about anything now! But let me first finish my 5K, and we'll talk after that. 

So to those of you who are like me and think you can't do it, just remember; if Oprah and Vicky can do it, so can you! And feel free to hit me up with questions or for a little bit of extra motivation. I'm here for you!

Love,

Vicky

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Hi all,

A few days ago I got an email from a high school friend that I probably haven't seen nor talked to in about 25 years. It was great exchanging emails with her and we quickly updated eachother on what happened after high school and in which direction our lives went. She is now married and has two teenage kids. My first thought was; "Wow! Her kids are the same age we were when we were friends... That's so ... big." But she is my age, so she probably got pregnant around 25, so that is not weird at all. It's just weird when I compare it to my own life. 

I cannot imagine myself having kids that are that big. I just feel way too young for that to even be possible... Of course, if I did have kids 14 years ago, my life would have been totally different, and it wouldn't be weird at all. It would be... normal.  

But now it does feel weird. It feels like she really "moved on" with her life and I sorta "got stuck" in mine. Which, of course, is not true at all. I am living a pretty adventurous life, if you think about it. I lived in the States, I went to College, I have a career, I own real-estate, I travel the world, and I fell in love a couple of times... That doesn't sound like I got stuck anywhere... In fact, a lot of things happened! But I am not married and I don't have kids. So... nothing really changed in that department. I'm still the same single Vicky as I was 25 years ago. 

When I was younger, I made a Life Plan for myself. I think most of us do that when we are young (and oblivous). According to my plan, I would have fallen in love around 18, moved in together around 20, got married around 25, and have babies before 30. I think we can safely conclude that my plan failed miserably. I am about 20 years behind schedule! 

But in order for my plan to have succeeded, I would have had to have found a great man at some point along the line. And that turned out to be a little more difficult than I (quite naively) thought when I was 15. Some things just aren't in your power. It's not like I could have went to the husbandstore and bought me one...

But you know what? Screw the plan! I may still be the same single Vicky as I was 25 years ago, and I may not have the dreamy husband and the adorable kids I wanted, but I have a pretty spectacular life! I am still learning, growing (however still not vertically), and maturing every day. I am a young soul living a grown-up life, and I am happy!

So if you have a Life Plan of your own, tear it up and toss it out! You don't need one to find your happiness. Not having a plan also gives you a sense of freedom and it makes each day a sweet adventure! And seriously, if everything would go according to plan, what would be the fun in that? 

Love,

Vicky 

PS: If you happen to come across a husbandstore, could you... uhm... give me the address? 

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Hi all,

Most of you that know me, or read my previous post, know about the 30 Day Challenge that I've just completed. This came about by a twitterpost from a friend (@Daalmans) who suggested to take the Challenge and publish our accomplishments on Facebook. I watched the video that was in the post (attached below) and immediately got super inspired!

Picking a challenge for myself wasn't so hard either. I've always wanted to be in better shape, have more energy, look better, and generally just feel good about myself. So I chose 'working out every day for the next 30 days straight' as my first challenge. And I will be honest with you; before I started, I thought there was no way in hell that I could ever keep that up. But much to my own surprise... I did it! I worked out for 30 days straight! In fact, the challenge is already over, but I'm still doing it!

Apparently it has been scientifically proven that when you try something new for about 30 days, it will become a habit. So my daily workouts have now become a daily habit, (like getting up in the morning, taking a shower, brushing my teeth) and I couldn't be more thrilled about that! 

You know, it wasn't even that hard... Sure, sometimes you're sore, or lazy, or you really think you have something better to do (like lay on the couch with a bag of potatochips in one hand an the remote control in the other), and that's when you'll need that extra little push or motivation from a friend. That's why I told about everybody I know about my challenge. I thought I really needed that support system. And they were all super great and helpful, but in the end YOU have got to do it. You have to be your own cheerleader... in order to become your own hero. (I made that up, feel free to quote me.)

But I really learned that it got easier as the days progressed. I started to feel more energetic, even more 'alive' if you will. It is true what Matt Cutts says in the video; "your time becomes much more memorable." And as I was amazing myself at how well I kept going, my confidence started to go through the roof... "Yay me! I can actually do this! And if I can do this, I can probably do just about anything..." 

And no, I'm not delusional. I really do believe that's true.

So do me a favor, ok? And just take a minute (well, actually, take 3 1/2 minute) and watch this video (it's funny!).

The next 30 days of your life are going to pass regardless. So you might as well try something new, like I did. Do something you've never done before... Try something you've always wanted to try... for the next 30 days! I'm telling you; it will be a memorable adventure! What have you got to lose? 

Good luck!

Love,

Vicky

MattCutts_2011U-light.mp4 Watch on Posterous

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Hi all,

Now that I've successfully completed my 30 Day Challenge (working out for 30 days straight), and the workouts have become a habit instead of a challenge... It's time for a new challenge!

Which is actually an old habit that needs some new life... BLOGGING.

I started my first blog in 2004, which was very successful around the globe, but somewhere along the way I lost my inspiration. I tried to pick up writing 2 years ago again, but yet again... severe writersblock!

So I'm hoping I can start over and win some of my fans back with this new site. Since it will be challenging... let me just call this my new 30 Day Challenge. 

I've posted some of my old blogs & poetry here as well, so feel free to flip through the pages and take a peak, and leave a comment whenever you feel like it. 

For now, I want to thank you for giving me another chance. I seem to be pretty good at these Challenges, so I (probably) won't let you down this time. 

Love,

Vicky

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I can't unscrew a lid when it's screwed on too tight
And I suck at basketball cuz I can't jump that high
I can't hang up my mirror, I don't know how to drill
And sometimes I'm late paying bills

I can't watch reality TV without having to cry
And I never cooked soulfood, but I'm willing to try
I don't have the energy to run very far
And how in the world do I change the oil in my car?

I lack the discipline to go to the gym
And I can't stick to a diet so I'll never be thin
I hardly ever get to my work on time
And sometimes I don't know how to rhyme (well... luckily today is not one of those days...)

I can't reach for things on the top shelf in the store
And once I start on potato chips I can't stop anymore
Sometimes I'm so hyper that I just can't unwind
And I can't always make up my mind

I may come across confident but I always have doubts
And those big azz spiders on my balcony FREAK ME OUT

The only thing I'm good at, is at being me
But I am not perfect and I don't try to be

There are a million things that I just cannot do...
But I'm sure -if you'd let me-
that I could really love you.

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

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Out of nowhere
I smell it
I smell you
All around me
And I can't escape it

Taking me back 10 years in time
Back to your lies
Back to my pain
Back to the tears
And I can't escape it

The scent I used to crave
The scent I used to love
Now makes me sick
I don't even wanna smell it
But I can't escape it

Out of all the colognes in the world
Why did this man that I don't even know
Have to pick yours to wear today
And this seat right next to me to sit on
So I can't escape it

I want to slap this stranger
For making me remember
For making me feel bad
And for smelling this goooood
But it's no use
Cuz I won't escape it

You suck!
And you stink!
I hate you!!!

...no I don't...

If I did, I wouldn't smell it
I wouldn't remember
And I wouldn't be writing this

I'm glad I'm over you
God, I'm SO over you
But no matter how hard I try
I'll never escape you

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

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It's been 2 days since you left us... And I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and how you touched my life. I can't really explain why I'm this sad over somebody that I didn't even know personally, even though we met once...

It was over 10 years ago, but I'll never forget it. I was shopping in Amsterdam and while I was walking towards the Virgin Record Store at the Magna Plaza mall I saw a limo parked outside. I didn't pay too much attention to it, and just went inside to get whatever I was looking for.
I was so shocked when I saw you standing only one isle away from me, checking out Laurel & Hardy videotapes. There weren't that many people around you at all, so I got really close to you. I don't think I even realized back then that I was within a few feet of the most famous person in the whole world. The King of Pop. A true Legend. Not to mention a wonderful, kind and inspirational man.
One of your bodyguards gestured me to move back a little. I'll never forget what he said: "Michael likes his space." I smiled and told him that I did too, but moved away anyway.
And that's when you looked up and smiled at me. A smile that I will never forget.

Losing you felt like losing a big part of my youth. Your songs are the background music to all of my best memories... And it kind of feels like a bulk of wonderful memories got ripped out of my heart when you passed. It hurts like hell.

My brother was also a big fan of yours, and he would play your songs over and over and over again. I remember dancing and singing to the Off The Wall record together, even though I was too small to really know what I was singing about, and probably got all the words wrong since I didn't speak any English yet. My brother would have the white socks and the black shoes and one glove, and he knew ALL your moves. I was so impressed...
He (his name is also Michael by the way) moved to Australia 6 years ago and I miss him terribly. Hearing your songs again and thinking about these days, makes me miss the happiness that we shared together even more. It made me realize once again that those days and my youth are forever gone... I just can't believe that you are too.

I didn't want to believe the news when they reported of your passing. I just couldn't. And wouldn't! I never thought that someone like you would leave us. You should be immortal. Seriously. It's just not fair!

Today I spent a good 4 hours watching music videos and interviews of you, just to "Remember The Time"... I was crying through most of it. I shocked myself about how I know all the lyrics to all your songs! But then again, I do have all your albums in my collection. Even the ones you recorded when you were just a little boy, making music with your brothers. I get so sad when I think of what your family must be going through right now. Especially your kids and of course Janet, who was the closest to you of your siblings... She must be heartbroken. I'm so sorry for her...

I don't have to tell you how big of an inspiration you've been to all the artists out there today. Your music, your moves, and even the way you dressed have changed the world forever. And we will always love you for it!
Not only were you an innovator in the entertainment business, the best selling artist of all times, but you were also a kind hearted man, that donated over 300 million dollars to charity. Something that people seem to forget sometimes.
You had that eternal youth inside of you that made you so adorable and special to fans of all ages. It is no wonder the whole world is in mourning of your loss.

I will miss you so much, Michael, but I am proud to have been able to grow up with you... And I can't thank you enough for sharing your amazing talent with us... And for everything you mean to me! I'm so happy to be a Michael Jackson era baby! You were a blessing from the sky, a God's Gift! And now you're up in heaven, joined by the other great musicians of our time... Pac, Biggie, Aaliyah, Luther... the list goes on...

I "Never Can Say Goodbye", so I won't. Just trust that;
Your music will never leave the airwaves...
Your smile will never leave my memory...
And you will never leave my heart!

Rest in peace, Mike. You finally got your space.

Vicky

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I get a little melancholic
Cuz I miss you
Damn!
I still miss you

I grab my cell phone from the nightstand
And navigate to the textmessage folder with your name on it

I saved all the messages you ever sent me
I don't know why
Well...
I do know why
Cuz reading them makes me feel real good

And every time I scroll through these messages
I read them one by one
And I remember the exact same feeling
That each and every one of those messages gave me
The moment I opened them for the very first time

I smile
For a minute
Untill I realize those days are gone
You are gone
And there are no new messages in this folder

And every day I tell the world I'm over you
Cuz I convinced myself I'm over you
But am I?
Really?

Those message are still there
And they are so much more than just a bunch of letters on a display,
A way you made me feel,
Or a smile that faded

And the memories of you are still there too
And you are so much more than a ghost of the past,
A page in my history book,
Or a ship that sailed

You are still there
Even when I close the folder and switch off my phone
You are still there
Even when I close my eyes and try once again to get some sleep

Maybe I'll be over you tomorrow

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.
Please note; this is an oldie but goodie. I'm SO over him now. :-)

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I feel hopeful and hopeless
useless and used
My mind is messed up
And my heart is confused

You push me away
Then you pull me back in
It's like I can't lose
But I can't seem to win

In this court of feelings
I pass you the ball
When you made your mind up
Then give me a call

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

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I may have an IQ of 153, which definitely doesn't make me your average blonde... But I still am an idiot when it comes to love.

Most of you know I have my clumsy moments... Remember that time I fell down the stairs at Club Sinners in Amsterdam?! Hmmm...yea. Not one of my most flattering moments...

Or how about that time I fell into the Amstel River, fully clothed? Yup. Not one I'm proud of either.
But hey, what can I say? Stick around Vicstar, and at least there's never a dull moment.

But when my TRUE IDIOCY shines through most, is when I like somebody.

...sigh...

I don't know if any of you recognize this but... I have this annoying habit to over-analyse shit. And when I say 'over-analyse', I really mean; over-over-overanalyse...

Is that a girl-thing? Cuz I can't imagine guys spending about 15 minutes before they decide to do a simple thing like send a text message...

Here's an example... Sometimes when I really really really like somebody... I spent a few good hours (and I'm not even exagerating) debating if I should give him a call...
I'm really not one to chase a guy... Any guy. Not even a perfect guy.
So I'd rather just wait for his call... But what if the waiting is getting to you... Tearing you up inside... And all you really want, is some peace of mind... Hear his voice and feel better.

But what if you call, and he doesn't answer his phone? You'll feel worse than you do now... Or what if he's engaged in other business (read; other women), you really wanna spare yourself that heartache...
So I say; go with a text message.

And as simple as that sounds... It really isn't!
Sending the PERFECT textmessage is an art, I tell ya.
Get yourself a pen and paper, and take notes, ladies!

Let me tell you what I do:
First, it's important to decide on the appropriate time at which you want to send the message. It can't be too early, cuz you don't want to wake him up, or risk him still being asleep and not being totally awake when reading whatever important stuff you have to say.
I also have a little rule -which absolutely makes no sense at all, let me tell you that upfront- when I call people (and when I say 'people' of course I mean 'guys'), to never call them at the exact hour, or at half an hour. So you would never get a call from me at exactly 8pm or 8.30pm. I always make it 8.07pm or 8.13pm or something...
Cuz otherwise it might seem like I've been anxiously waiting till exactly 8 to give him the call... Which of course seems like I've been working up the nerves to get to this exact moment... (Like I said; this rule makes absolutely no sense at all; what moron would even pay attention to the time of the call? But just work with me here...)

Of course it can't be too late either... Cuz you don't wanna disturb him during dinner (we all know how men love their food), or his favorite TV show (big mistake), or an exciting game (even bigger mistake)... He'd probably get REAL annoyed and not reply at all.

I'm telling you, this shit is important! Pay attention now!

So once we established the timeframe... we get to the hard part...
How do you exactly phrase what you want to say?
You want to be kinda funny, or rather 'appear breezy', so whatever you have to say doesn't really sound too 'heavy'... But then again, it can't be too funny, cuz then he might think you're just joking around, and he at least needs to know you take him serious... But then again not too serious, cuz you're not asking him to marry you right there and then either.
However, you need to get that message across loud and clear.

See how complicated this shit is???

Then another thing is; what is your goal? Do you just say what you wanna say, period? Or do you phrase it into a question, so he kinda has to reply?

Of course we like a reply!
Let's face it; we're women, and we all like attention. So a reply is definitely something we shoot for...

What bothers me, personally, is that I can never get all my text in one lousy message... Never enough space! So then you have the option to use chat-lingo, which I'm sorry to say but I'm too damn old for...
Plus you'll risk that he won't be able to figure that shit out either, or doesn't even wanna take the time to try... So scratch that.
Another option is; to send two messages... But ehm... we don't wanna look like a freakin stalker either! (He probably already has plenty of those, and we want to be special, right?) So scratch that too.

So it's very important to figure out what exact message you really wanna get across, and then cramp all that into however characters your phone allows you to use for a message.

When you're finally happy with the message, read it again, make sure there are no spelling errors, count to ten, breathe in - breathe out, and click on 'send'.

...and now... we wait...

And then the real over-analysing begins when he doesn't send you a reply... Oh my Goooood...

"What does this mean???

I just spent over half an hour fabricating the PERFECT text message, and mister wonderful on the other side doesn't even have the decency to send me a reply!"

Ok hold up, Vicstar!!!

Let me slap some sense into myself here...

At least give the motherf*cker a minute to type in a reply! He might need to analyse his shit too.

YEAH RIGHT!!!

Guys don't think about stuff like this! They type in whatever first pops into their heads, forget about spell checking the damn thing, and just click on 'send'...
And that's what we over-analysing women have to deal with...

...beep beep... ...beep beep...

"Finally! A reply!!! Damn why does this phone take so long to open up a damn text message... C'mon c'mon... F*ckin Sh*t NOKIA! I need to see what he said!!!"

And then you read it...

Read it again...

Read it one more time...

And think to yourself:

"What the hell does this mean? What the hell is a '.....'?! Is that a typo or did he just cuss at me?! WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?"

So basically... all of us over-analysing women -especially the ones that are crushing-... we're screwed. That's what it all comes down to. Cuz we can never, and I repeat; NEVER, make sense of anything he's trying to say...

Probably, cuz dude is not even 'trying' to say anything. Remember, he is a man.
He just sent us one of his over-simplified brain farts and that's what we gotta work with...

Like I said; we're screwed.

So ehm... I rest my case.

My mind works in mysterious ways. In too many mysterious ways, too... Over-over-over-analysing shit ALL THE DAMN TIME... No wonder I'm so tired at night.

Yep... It's official... I am an idiot.

But you gotta love me though... If anything, just at least for all the time I put into all that unappreciated bullshit!

Vicky

This blog was previously written and although I am sill an idiot, there's nobody special in my life right now.

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I wonder what they'll smell like
When we're engaged in our first embrace
I wonder how you will wear them
Complimenting your beautiful face

I wonder how they'll glide through my fingers
When I play with them in my hands
I wonder if I braided my hair
If yours and mine would be friends

I wonder if people wanna touch them
Like I wanna do every day
And I wonder if, when you're eating
They ever get in the way

I wonder if you've had bad hair days
Those days when they just look all wrong
And I wonder if they sometimes annoy you
When you're out in the sun for too long

I wonder why you ever got them
As a statement or just for fun
And I wonder how they bounce off your shoulders
Whenever you jump, kick, tackle, or run

I wonder how they'd look in a ponytail
Or if you wear them up in a bun
I wonder if they ever get frizzy
And how often you get them redone

I wonder if you'd let me change them
Maybe braid them or create a new style
I wonder when was the last time you cut them
And if you'll let them grow for a while

I wonder if I will get tangled up in them
When we're playing a little rough
But most of all I wonder how they will sway to the rhythm
Of you and me making sweet love

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.
If you haven't read it yet, check out My Tom Hanks Moment (part 1 and 2) for the story behind this poem.

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But I didn't do it. I decided to let it go... And learn my lesson for the future. Cuz THAT will never happen to me again. No way!

A year passed and Mr. Soccer would still pop into my mind from time to time... I'd still get that butterfly feeling everytime he was on the news, but what can you do, right?

Until, all of a sudden I "found" (ok, I searched for) him on a Dutch website, much like MySpace. "No way! NO WAY!!!" I jumped for joy. My fairytale could still come true! But how would I approach him now, a year later? I'm sure by now he would have forgotten all about that blond girl he met on a plane in Spain a year ago. As a professional soccer player, wouldn't he be on a plane every week? How many blond girls is that in a year?!

But I decided this was the one chance I would not pass up. So I sent him the story I wrote about meeting him; "My Tom Hanks Moment". The same one you previously read, posted below this one. I thought that entailed everything I wanted to tell him, in it's purest form.

My heart was racing as I hit "Sent", but just a few minutes later he responded to me! He said he loved the story and asked if I ever thought about becoming a writer. And get this: He also said that he remembered me!!!

Of course, I didn't buy that. But it was nice of him to say, wasn't it?

We sent a few emails back and forth and he asked me for my phone number. He was still playing soccer abroad and wanted to call me to "see what I was all about"... I was SOOO ecstatic! Finally, a year later, I had reached my goal! My dream was coming true after all! I couldn't believe it.

Not even 5 minutes after I sent the email with my phone number HE CALLED!
I didn't expect his phone call THAT soon! Which was a good thing, cuz now I didn't even have time to get nervous...
But it turned out there really was no need for nerves; we had a very relaxed conversation for about an hour...

And to my surprise, he really DID remember me! He even remembered what my aunt and uncle (whom he thought were my parents) looked like and what I was wearing on the plane that day. CRAZYYY!!!

After that first initial phone call he called me every night. Long distance! And we sometimes talked for 6 hours straight! It was weird, but fun, but weird, ...but fun!!!

After a few weeks of daily phone conversations, he was scheduled to fly back to Amsterdam. He had bought a mansion (dude is loaded) in the city, but it wasn't quite done yet, so he asked me if it was ok to stay with me for a few days... I felt like we had become really good friends over the phone, and of course we had that whole history on the plane a year ago... So I didn't see the problem and told him it was ok.

(I wrote a poem "Dreadlock Dreaming" about him, which I will post tomorrow...)

I still remember exactly how I felt that day at the airport waiting for him. I don't think I've ever been more nervous in my life! My stomach was going crazy and I had trouble breathing at times.

There I was again, at an airport waiting for this gorgeous, gorgeous man to approach me, like he did that first time we 'met' on the airport in Spain.

And there he was. Even more gorgeous than I remembered. He was smiling again, the same smile I remembered from a year before. (and from all these dreams that followed) Wow. Talk about a déjà-vu!

That first day was crazy! I couldn't stop blushing and giggling and nothing that came out of my mouth made any sense. I tried to be cool, but I was starstruck! I tried to cheer myself on: "C'mon Vic, think of something funny to say," but I couldn't think of anything except "Is this really happening or am I waking up any minute now?" But it wasn't a dream, so I kept blushing and giggling like an idiot.

He ended up staying with me for a few weeks! At first it was so awkward. I still couldn't believe that this was that same guy I had a crush on 13 years ago when I first saw him on TV. That same guy I had my Tom Hanks Moment with a year ago in Spain. That same guy I had endless phone conversations with for the last few weeks...

That same guy was now walking around my house naked.

That same guy was now taking a dump on my toilet with the door open.

(I know; weird, right?!)

But a romance had blossomed and I guess a few boundaries were gone (well, for him, anyway).
(But in all fairness; if I had a body like that, I'd have no problem walking around naked either! All day every day! My God... sigh...)

But it was still weird for me... So unreal. Sometimes I'd lay awake next to him. Just to watch him sleep. And I'd pinch myself to see if this was still really happening. If this was really that same guy right there next to me. In my bed. And yup, it was! Crazy, right?

But I loved having him over to take care of him. I cooked him his favorite food, made sure he had everything he needed. Yes, everything. I'm not playing. I go all out for somebody I care about.

And it was great. At first. Until he got back into that spoiled athlete mode and started to take me for granted. I guess it was my fault too. Because I spoiled him, too.

On one of our previous phone conversations I had asked him if there was anything that I could wake him up for in the middle of the night. And he had answered; "Pancakes! I love pancakes!" So guess what crazy Vicky did? I fixed him pancakes in the middle of the night and woke him up. The smile on his face was priceless. "And it's not even my birthday," he said.
Right then I told him: "You know I'm too good for you, right?" "Yeah, I know," he said and smiled like it was a joke. But I was dead serious when I said it.

He was spoiled. And I guess a guy like that had been spoiled his whole life, by the team, the coach, the club, hotels, managers, even by groupies... I can't even blame him...

I had dated athletes before, and it's hard to not be somebody's first passion. There's always that talent; the job; his sport, that is at the top of his priorities. It would never be me. And I didn't mind so much playing second fiddle, but I did want that appreciation that I thought I deserved. Taking him into my home and catering on him all these weeks. But I didn't get any of that.

Dude was a freakin millionaire, but I never even got flowers, or a simple thank you.

I guess it was a blessing that after a few weeks he got a new club to play for and his house in the city was all done, so he left my place and moved there. He came back a few times to hang out with me (and get his laundry) (Did I tell you I was too good for him?), but after a while I didn't try as hard to please him anymore. I learned my lesson.

One time he needed me again, but by then I was pretty much fed up, so I didn't ask anymore how high I was supposed to jump. He left in a bad mood and hit the pedal of his Lamborghini pretty hard which made a looot of noise when it left my street. I guess Mr. Soccer got upset.

But he still sends me Christmas and Birthday textmessages and stuff like that, and he even called a while ago to see how I was doing, but I haven't seen him since. Except for on TV, and when I accidentally google his name.

So all in all, you could say; my fairytale came true. I got to meet the guy of my dreams... But it turned out he wasn't as dreamy in real life. And there was no "and they lived happily ever after" either. Oh well.

I guess sometimes the dream is better than reality...
Sometimes it's better to just keep on dreaming...
And sometimes...
Sometimes a dream really just is what it is; a dream.

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So... a few years ago, I went to visit my aunt and uncle in Spain. I stayed there for a little bit and then we all flew back to Amsterdam together.
On departure day, I had a Tom Hanks moment... This is the story I wrote:
Remember 'Sleepless In Seattle'??? When Meg Ryan was getting off the plane in Seattle, while Tom was dropping off that other woman... When he laid eyes on Meg for the first time, he was just standing there in amazement... The whole world around him stopped for a moment, no people, no sounds, no nothing... Just her... and something just 'clicked'...

Well, I had that too, that 'click'... With a guy I saw at Malaga Airport in Spain...
I saw him from miles away walking in my direction... Gorgeous black man, nicely dressed, bouncy dreads, good posture... Looking at me... smiling...
I hadn't seen anything that yummy in a LONG time, so my eyes were drawn to him from a distance and they stayed focused until he approached me.
And when he was just a few steps away, I recognized him. He's a Dutch international soccer player, at that time playing for Madrid.

(side note: I'm not at all a big soccer fan, but I remember this guy, cuz his career started at a very young age, and there was a lot of hype around it... He also did an ad for an organization against racism... The posters of him dressed in a white suit were all over Amsterdam at that time, and I remember every time I saw one of these posters, I felt all warm inside. Gorgeous gorgeous man....)

Later on I passed him on my way to the plane, he smiled and said 'hi'... Then on the plane, he passed me again, and again we smiled at each other... I even looked around to see where he was going to be seated, and he looked around, back at me again too...
I knew I was blushing, and I'm sure the whole plane could feel my heartbeat... I remember accidentally saying to myself "God, I'm staring!" out loud, and my uncle asked me: "What was that?" and I was like: "Ehmmm... nothing..."

I spent 2hrs and 45mins thinking of a way to give him my telephone number...
But I was too shy...
I thought I would write my name and number down on a piece of paper and just slip it to him at some point, but I was seated in between my aunt and uncle, and I didn't really have any privacy... I thought if they'd see what I was doing, they'd think I'm an idiot. So I guess I'd rather seem like a sane person to them, (a sane single-for-the-rest-of-my-life person, I should say) than have a shot at... something.

But then again, guys like this are never single, are they? He's probably got a gorgeous trophy wife and a bunch of kids stacked away somewhere...

So anyway, almost 3 hours later, when we got to Amsterdam airport I saw him again at the baggage claim... More glances and smiles... And on my way out, I gave him my prettiest smile and said "bye" in kind of a disappointed tone... and that was it...

And now I feel like such an idiot! Why did I chicken out? I keep thinking about it... I keep thinking about what I could have done... What I should have done... I keep wondering if maybe I imagined the whole thing, or if he was really staring at me too... He really was, wasn't he?
And I haven't been able to let it go... To tell you the truth, I haven't slept in two days! I feel like a lovesick teenager... Or better yet; a damn fool!

Of course you exchange glances with strangers more than once in a life time... But this was more than a glance... There were multiple glances!
And I just kinda felt that "something"... Really! I'm not kidding...

Anyway, since then I found out that he is in fact single... Yeaaa! And I know he's gonna be in Amsterdam for a little while longer playing at some soccer tournament next weekend... (which, of course, I'll be attending...)
So far I've also found out that I know 4 people that have some kind of connection with him or with people that know him, so I put them on the case to get me his number, or give him my number...
I figured; what if he felt the 'click' too... I'm just a normal person (well... normal?)... He doesn't know a thing about me... So what if I've been on his mind too? It's easier for me to track him down, than the other way around... So I gotta try it...

A friend of mine told me I was obsessed with the whole thing and I should just let it go... She said; "If it comes back to you, it's yours..." yeayeayea, I heard that before... (So far, only the shitty ones have come back...)
Another friend of mine told me to stay on the case... He said; "What if next time he's on the plane and some girl's smiling at him that's not too shy to give him her number... You go for yours girl!"

And seriously, sometimes you just gotta help faith a little... Right?

~ End of Part One ~

Part two will be posted in a few days... Stay Tuned!

But in the meantime... Tell me; What would YOU do in a situation like that? Would you have approached the other person? And what would you have said??? Let me know, I'm curious...

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And I smile...
cuz you're smiling at me...

You have the cutest dimples...
did you know that?

You leave the room...
and look behind you
one more time...

Yes...
I'm still looking...

You're the type of guy that deserves an audience...

You're amazing...
the way your body moves...
your posture...
your smile...
Where are you going?
Please come back soon!

Oh...
there you are...
back already...
That wasn't too long...
considering I've waited for you for 30+ years...
but if this is really you...
then you've definitely been worth it...

You're the type of guy that I'd wait another 30+ years for...
Well, maybe not that long...

You're still smiling...
There are those dimples again...
You're so cute.

You sit down next to me...
So here we are...
sitting...
in silence...
next to each other...
Finally...

So close...
I could touch you if I wanted to...
I want to...
But I'm shy...
So I just smile...

You use your fingertips
to brush the hair from my face...
You take in every curl...
and you smile in admiration...

You move forward...
and your lips are only inches away from mine...
I want to kiss you so bad...
but I don't wanna rush this...

You're the type of guy that deserves my patience...

So we're just sitting here...
in silence...
And you're staring at me...
I can feel that I'm blushing...
Wondering what you're looking at...

You're moving closer...
Wait.
Are you gonna kiss me?
Shivers...
all over my body...

Yes!
You are...
kissing me...

Your lips...
so soft...
on mine...

Hmmm....

This is so unreal...
And so nice...
Don't ever take those lips off mine...
please...
Let's just stay like this...
forever...

Like Siamese twins...
Joined by the lips...
So I never have to leave you...
And I can stare into those big brown eyes
for the rest of my life...

Hmmm...

I can feel your breath on me...
It's warm...
like your tongue...
twirling around mine...
Slowly...
inside my mouth...

You're the type of guy that can make me lose my consciousness...
...in a heartbeat...

I can feel my heart beat...
wow...
We're kissing...
We're kissing!
Who would have thought...
that we'd be kissing?

Our lips unlock...
Wait!
Don't go...
I wasn't done kissing you yet...
Come back!
I have plans for me and you...

You're the type of guy that deserves a future...

You look at me...
and smile...
contently...

Still in silence...
Are you thinking things too?
Are you wondering what I look like naked?
Cuz I sure am wondering what you look like naked right now...
I'm blushing again...
Cuz I don't want to think that...

But you're the type of guy that makes me think things I shouldn't be thinking...

I can't help myself...
You just seem so perfect...
and all I can do is hope...
and wish...
and pray...
...in silence...

that I'm the type of girl that deserves a type of guy ...as perfect you.

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.
(I wrote this for my choreographer-crush... He went abroad to tour with some big shot celebs and I haven't seen him in years.)

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Would you take me to dinner, a movie, a club
Would you spoil me with kisses and a backrub
Would you open up doors and pull up my chair
Would you compliment me on how I'm wearing my hair

Would you fix me a meal and then feed it to me
Would you be all of the things that you tell me you'll be
Would you sing me a song when we're in the shower
Wash my hair and stay there for at least an hour

Would you bubble my bath and pour me champagne
Would you hold the umbrella when we walk through the rain
Would you hear my voice trembling when I feel sad
Would you surprise me on Sundays with breakfast in bed

Would you not try to blame me when you slip a fart
Would you be really careful when I give you my heart
Would you write me letters, emails, cards 'just because'
Would you not sweat it so much when I'm making a fuss

Would you always be honest and never lie
Even when it's not easy, would you at least try
Would you call me sometimes just to hear my voice
Make me feel special; your number one choice

Would you still smell my perfume when I'm miles away
Would you be longing to kiss me every second of the day
Would you watch b-ball with me and root for my team
Would you shut up for an hour so I can watch Crime Scene

When I'm sick would you make soup and nurse me back to health
Would you have dinner with mom and not embarrass yourself
When you hang with your boys and you come home to me
Would you tell me there's no place that you'd rather be

When it's that time of the month, will you cut me some slack
Let me yell at you for a little while till I take it all back
If I had a bad day would you hold me real tight
Kiss to make it all better and tell me things be all right

Would you buy me flowers sometimes and remember our song
Would you tell me you're sorry and admit when you're wrong
Would you not walk away in the middle of a fight
Would we have make up sex afterwards all through the night

Would you make love to me daily, and at least twice
Would your passion and intensity water my eyes
Would you tell me you love me every day of the week
Would you be my homie, my best friend, my lover, my freak

Would you never keep me guessing, or wondering why
Would you assure me you love me till the day that I die
Would you give me some children after you make me your wife
Would you share your visions, your dreams, your hopes, your whole life

And if I'm asking too much here, would you let me know
So I can adjust what I wish for, without letting you go

All I want is for you to love me best as you can
Cuz I would do exactly the same... if you were my man

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

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Cheated on
Abused
Slapped in the face
and used

My heart got broken
even crushed
They ignored my love
Betrayed my trust

And where do these guys even find the nerve
To make me go through this pain that I don't deserve

But despite the heartaches, the tears, and all mentioned above
I must be a damn fool, but I still believe in love...

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

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People often ask me why I'm single. I hate that question! How in the world should I know? It's not like I have any power over it. It's not like I'm in control of my love life. Or wait a minute... Should I be?

I'm not really looking for love... Hm. Ok well maybe I am, a little bit...
But I would never admit to it. Cuz I'm trying not to be too obvious about it, cuz that would appear desperate. And desperate is one thing that I'm not. No sirryyy! But yeah; I want love.

Remember boys and girls; There are three kinds of people in the world: Those that have love, those that want love, and those that don't even have the slightest idea what love is... Sadly enough, all the men I met recently fall into that last category...
Yes it's true what they say; A good man is hard to find...(...and a hard man is so good to find)... Mmm...
But let's get it straight; I don't want a lover. I want love.

I've been through some shitty times, and I met plenty of azz wipes in my life... I got my heart bruised more times than I can count on both hands... But still, I'm not bitter from any past relationships that didn't work out... You live and learn, right? You have to go through the worst to appreciate the best... I've definitely had my share of heartaches and bullshit. And if I would tell you all about it, you'll probably wonder why I'm not a lesbian yet...

Sometimes I think maybe I scare these guys away when they find out I'm 35, I have a job, a crib, a car, no crazy exes (well, that's debatable), I can cook, talk sports, I'm not too hideous to look at, I'm funny, I've never been married, don't have kids, and have been single for about 5 years now... They look me up and down, and go: "So what’s wrong with you?" "Ehm... Why does something immediately have to be wrong WITH ME? Why can't there be something wrong WITH YOU? I mean; it took you thirty-freakin-five years to find my azz??!?!?! Huh? Huh! What you gotta say about that!!!"
Hm... on second thought, maybe that ain't the right approach either...

I always thought the reason why I'm single is BECAUSE ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS.
Now of course I know that's not entirely true... Of course not ALL men are idiots... just probably 9 out of 10 of them are... And seriously, I just never meet that one normal guy... One guy to prove to me they're not all the same...

My life is pretty quiet. I live here, in a small city, by myself, and pretty much do my own thing... I don't really go to clubs a lot anymore, (been there, done that) but I do occasionally go on dates. And every time I meet a 'new' guy, I go over my imaginary checklist;
• Is he funny?
• Is he intelligent?
• Is he well mannered and charming?
• Does he seem genuinely interested in me? (as a person, and not a f*ckbuddy!)
• Does he have a goal in life?
• A nice smile?
• Is he a good dresser?
• Smelling fresh and clean?
• Does he have a cool hobby or a talent?
• Does he like basketball as much as I do? (Lakerfans need not apply...)
• Has he travelled the world?
• Does he have a great last name? (extra points for 'Iverson'...)
• Can I bring him home to momma?
• ...etc...
And with the answers to all of these questions, I form an opinion in my mind; "Hmmm... yea this one might do..."
And I'm not gonna lie... Looks are not entirely unimportant either! I don't really have 'a type', but if I could build the perfect man, like in that movie Weird Science... Remember that? He'd probably be a strong tall guy with big arms, a great sense of humor, and a smile that can light up a room.

But you know what? This whole checklist... It doesn't work!

A guy can be PERFECT on paper, but bore me to death across a table at a candlelit dinner... Trying to impress me with all the things he has accomplished in life, and I'm sitting there thinking; "Try to accomplish to make me SMILE, mothaf*cka... Now THAT might impress me!"
And I don't mean to brag (ok maybe a little bit), but I went on dates with all kinds of guys; from an actor to a DJ, from a pilot to a taxi driver, from an NBA player to a NFL player, from a professional soccer player to a world champion boxer, from a lawyer to a soldier, from a model to a computer nerd. (Girl, the stories I have for you...... Remember to buy my book when it's done.)
They all had their qualities, and they all had their flaws. Just like you and I do...
Oh hell yeah, I know I have flaws. But I also know what I'm worth. And I'll never settle for anything or anybody less than I think I deserve. And that little bit extra is what separates me from a lot of other women, and makes me deserve a man that notices that, and is willing to give that little bit extra too. (Dignity, pride and confidence... A very sexy but lethal combination...)
I know that I'm VERY SELECTIVE... but don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting a knight in shining armour... Cuz let's face it; where can you find some armour nowadays anyway?

You know, in the end, what it all comes down to; All I really want, is somebody that I feel an unexplainable connection with... I'm waiting to meet somebody that I just 'click' with. Not somebody that likes me for my pretty green eyes or the size of my badunkadunk. But somebody that really GETS me. Somebody that values and respects ALL that is me... Somebody that motivates me and that is JUST AS motivated BY me... Somebody that laughs at my jokes... Somebody that finds the stuff that somebody else might find irritating about me, surprisingly adorable. Somebody that only has to say a few words to make my fingertips tingle and my tummy feel like the butterflies in there are back riding that beautiful rollercoaster. Somebody that will never make me doubt his love for me... That's the love I want.

And until I find that person, or that person finds me... I'll be single. I'll be dating myself! Cuz actually, that's all I really want; Somebody that's JUST LIKE me... And who's more like me, than... me??? When I'm dating myself, I'll have stimulating conversations with myself (cuz I already talk to myself anyway), I'll have nobody to impress BUT myself, I'll laugh at myself, sometimes cry to myself, and occasionally lie to myself cuz I don't want to hurt myselves feelings... I'll be happy with myself... ...Just, of course, until someone better comes along...

But I'll use this time to grow more and more into the loving woman that one day will make some lucky bastard the happiest man on this planet.

So, my message to you today: Never give up on love! It's out there, people... For everybody.

Vicky

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